MNXMFan's Blog

So, tonight (last night technically) I went up to Duluth for the second time in a week.

It was fun, but not as much as the first time I went up there.

Oh, yeah and happy new years eve or something.

So, I told Sara that I loved her, but didn’t want that to have a negative effect on our friendship.  I told her over the phone, although I would have rather told her in person.

Basically she said she was flattered, although surprised it didn’t happen sooner.  She doesn’t feel the same way about it, and I didn’t think she would so its not a surprise either.  She said it wouldn’t change anything, and thats cool.  I’d rather be friends than nothing at all.

So, now I know that it could never happen, and I’m OK with that.  I’d rather be honest with her, and myself, about how I feel than try to deny it, and cause more friction between us.  I really believe that is what caused the tension before.  You put enough lies in a pot, and eventually its bound to boil over, even if the lie is based on denial.

And I mean, I’ve never really been in love before, so now I understand it better.  Women don’t want assholes, they just fall in love with guys that turn out that way.  And once you have love, you’d rather deal with 1000 bad nights with the promise of a good one than to lose the love of your ilfe.  I finally understand, and while it hurts a bit (nobody ever said love would be easy, did they?) I do feel much better knowing than living in denial.  It will never happen, but its better to deal with that than it is to not have confronted it at all.  And at least now I know the truth, which I probably secretly knew all along, and didn’t want to confront it.

So, after I made that last post, I sent Sara a message basically putting the possibility out there that I may indeed be jealous because I do have some feelings for her, and I was jealous that she had a “love life”.

That made me really nervous because I wasn’t to sure the reaction to that was going to be a good one, so I went outside and called a friend to talk about it, and to sort of help me sort all this out (and distract me to boot).

Well anyways, I got back inside to a few messages basically thanking me for the honesty, so my guess is that this wouldn’t really destroy our frendship, as I had previously thought.  I would definitely like to talk to her a bit more about it before I say much more on my blog, because without it, I sort of lose that “personal touch” so for now I will leave it at that.

But now, I’m not so depressed and worried.  I feel now as if no matter what I say, it definitely won’t ruin our friendship, and it feels good to at least put the possibility out there.

I’ll definitely have more later, after I get a chance to talk to her more about it.  I don’t really know when that will be, because it is the holidays and we are both a bit busy right now, but I do hope its sooner rather than later.

Anyways, now that I’m content, and not so worried, I’m finally getting my ass to bed. 

So, lately I have been thinking about my lovelife alot.  Its been a number of years since I have had a romantic relationship so to speak, or anyone who has been even remotely interested in me (I was recently told that I don’t have the equipment, so to speak, which did hurt my feelings a bit, but we are just friends after all, so I should just get over it already).

Anyways, hanging out with Sara again (which is awesome, let me tell ya) has also served to remind me how sad and pathetic my lovelife is.  Now, I know she would say that hers is equally sad and pathetic, but at least she has some people interested, I don’t even have prospects.  Hell, she even has a “date” this Friday, which for some reason is making me a tad bit jealous.  I don’t know if its just because I don’t have a relationship, or if it is because I wish it was me whom she felt that way about.  Regardless, I know we are just friends, and she has indicated to me several times that I’m not her type (and a few in the past that I’m not even attractive), so if it was the latter I certainly would never act upon those feelings.  She is a really good friend, and has stated thats all she wants this to be, and I definitely respect that, because she is very wonderful, and I’d much rather have her trust as a friend than nothing at all.  But I don’t even know if thats the reason, so I am probably overanalyzing this feeling.  Regardless this isn’t the reason for the post, so I’ll move back to the original reason.

So what does a guy do in my case?  Am I just destined to be alone for the rest of my life, or what?  I mean this has really started to bother me.  Many of my friends are married, and I know for a fact that every friend of mine has had more relationships than I have (we established a while ago that I have had 3, and never had sex, which seems a travesty and I am looking to change that soon).  I guess maybe I should stop thinking about it, I mean every other aspect of my life is going great, maybe now is just not the time for a relationship for me.  I guess it also sucks around this time of year, because I had always hoped I would have someone special to bring in the new year with, and this year like most of the past, I will be most likely celebrating alone.  Wow, that is pretty depressing, I guess I should just move on.

Thanks for the read, this is a pretty depressing time of year for me, but I just need to remember that it WILL pass, and I WILL be fine in a week or so.

So, after getting fed up with the whole dieting thing (I only lost like 12 pounds in 3 months), I decided to call in the troops and reactivate my health club membership at Liftime Fitness.  Its a great club, and best of all, its open 24/7, except for certain holidays.  (New years eve they are open until 3PM, and they reopen at 10AM New Years Day, still not bad, considering)

Since my lovelife has been disappointing to say the least, and my looks aren’t helping me at least get in the door with relationships, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to lose a few pounds.  But, when it comes down to it, I am really just trying to get myself in better shape so things like climbing stairs get easier, and I live a bit longer to boot.

If I get in 12 times a month, then my health insurance will cover $20 bucks a month. 

Without sounding like a one trick pony, I just have to say I am one lucky guy.

I am lucky to have someone like Sara in my life.  Hell, I’d go as far as to say I would consider myself very lucky if I was able to marry someone half as wonderful.  Thanks again, I truely appreciate everything you are.

I have always prided myself on being honest in my blog, and I must come forward and be honest about something.

Two years ago, I made some rather mean posts in my blog after I lost a very close friend of mine.  I did so because I wanted to get my feelings down on this blog, but in haste I didn’t really display my true and honest opinions, but rather I portrayed anger and hatred.  When I lost this friend, I felt like a peice of me was lost with that friendship, and I focused on all the negative.

I couldn’t deal with the positive then, but now its time I deal with the truth, of how I really felt all along.

Or whatever you choose to celebrate.

Even though I don’t like what Christmas has become, I choose to celebrate it.  Not because I want stuff, but because it is my belief that Christmas is a time to be with family.

So even if your not religious, today might be the day you call someone you haven’t talked to in a while to tell them how much they mean to you.  If you can, go spend time with the people you care about.  Thats more important than anything money could buy.