MNXMFan's Blog

Yeah, so in an update to the last post, I have been getting worse by the day on that front, and no distractions seem to help at this point.

School used to be my distraction from all this nonsense, but now not even that is working, and I worry that because of that I will fall behind. 

I don’t really even know how to explain it, so if I seem a bit distant to my friends right now, this is why.  At this time, I feel like a movie that has gotten really boring, but your forced to sit through it until the end.  And its not my friends, my friends are keeping me going.  It’s just, emptiness.

Long time no post, and I wish this post was under better circumstances, but its not.

Last week, I was diagnosed with either panic disorder or anxiety disorder, I tend to go with the latter of the two.  After a series of panic attacks, I finally sought medical attention, and the panic attacks are still not subsiding, although the medication is making them manageable.  They can’t seem to find a trigger for them, which is quite common, but in the meantime I have been overwhelmed with worry.

This worry is not caused by anyone or anything, and I realize its all in my head, but I believe it has lead to some depression, a depression that I have had for years, but never really dealt with.

Now I bet at this point your saying to yourself, but everythings going so good for him.  And to that extent, you are absolutely right.  My grades in school are good, my social life couldn’t be better, and I’ve managed to lose 27 pounds (and counting) so whats the problem?  Well, I wish I could answer that for you, and I wish I could answer that for myself.  But, I’m coming up empty.  This depression has been going on now for probably at least six months, probably longer, but I have been using school as a distraction, and even that isn’t working any more.

Now, I don’t want anyone to think that this depression is caused by anyone involved in my life.  Quite the contrary.  This is all internalized depression, probably brought on by worry.  So, whats to worry about?  Well, I am managing to get myself into about thirty thousand dollars worth of debt to go to school.  Worth it, yes, but I worry about paying it back.  My social life has never been better, but I worry that it too could dissappear in the blink of an eye, a worry that is completely unfounded.

I have lost alot of weight, but I am worried that I am losing it for the wrong reasons.  That maybe if I lose the weight, women in general will find me more attractive, nevermind the fact that I can’t stand looking at myself in the mirror every morning.  Sound like a teenage girl yet? 

And to top it off, my romantic life has been non existant now for going on 6 years.  Yeah its silly to worry that I will end this life alone, because I have a world of friends surrounding me, but still, I worry about that too.  Lately, this worry has gotten so bad that I don’t find enjoyment in school, which has yet to lead to performance issues at school, but I fear it could head that way.

I realize this is all in my own head, and isn’t caused by anyone but myself.  No change that I have made to my life has made this worse, and some changes have made things exponentially better, better than words can describe.  So what’s next?  Well, I realize that I need therapy, if for nothing else than to treat the GAD, but therapy comes at a cost.  A cost, that at least while I’m in school, I cannot afford.

So, at least for now, I’m going to try my best to pull myself out of it.  I will keep my friends close to me, which is exactly where they all belong.  I know that eventually, I can pull myself out of this, which is a temporary solution, but it will work until I can get the money together to bring in an outside party to look inside the circus that is my head.

So to my friends, if I’ve been a tad bit distant and haven’t seemed like my usual jolly self, I’m sorry.  But thank you for being there for me, thats what I need right now is for you to just be there for me.  I’ll deal with my own problems, and when I need your help, I know I can come ask you for it.

So Sara has been dating this guy for about 3 months.  The relationship seemed to make her very happy, although the circumstances of the relationship were not ideal to begin with.  I personally also really liked the guy, because he made her happy, and he was cool with our friendship and not jealous about it.

Well, this past weekend he broke up with her.  Seems crappy, since at no time did he give any indication that he would do something like that.  And the other thing is that I cannot believe that he would do something like that.  Here she is, truely one of a kind and amazing, she deserves to be treated well, not thrown out to pasture.

Now granted, I do not know the full extent of what happened, or why he made the decision that he did, but to me it would be a no brainer.  I’m not really sure what to think at this point until I can get all the details, but right now I’m a bit angry about the whole thing.  I mean it feels like all the talk was just fluff to get in her pants, and I know there are guys out there that will do that.  To those guys, STOP IT, your giving guys that would care for and love and respect a woman for more than just sex a bad name, and it’s making it tough out there.

Now, you faithful blog readers know exactly how I feel about this person.  But that withstanding, I also understand a few things, and definitely know my place.  But, given the same opprotunity as this guy was, I honestly couldn’t see making the same decision.  I mean, she’s smart, supportive, funny, pretty, and from what I’ve seen of both this relationship and the one with her ex husband, she has alot of love that she is willing to share with whomever manages to capture her attention.  Hell, even as a friend, she has shown more love, support, and overall friendship than any of my past romantic relationships, so much to the point that she has caused me to raise my own standards.

So, my question to you, my faithful readers (or those who accidently set this drivel as your homepage and can’t figure out how to change that) is this.  Why?  Why are guys like this to her?  Why can’t a great person catch a break?

And one more to ponder, if you were in a relationship with someone who was willing to give you her heart, what would you do with it?

And by intimacy I do not mean sex.  Sure, sex is important in a relationship, and it still is a basic need (I mean I AM a guy after all!) but sometimes just cuddling is what I need, and that seems to be lacking in my relationships.  Sometimes I find a nice movie can be made oh so much better cuddled up on the couch with that special someone. 

To me, personally, I find that much more romantic than sex.  Like I said, sex is still important, but that level of intimacy where you can just feel that person’s body next to yours, to hear their heartbeat or their breath on the back of your neck, I mean thats just amazing, and a true way to feel connected to that other person.  To know that you are safe, and to know that you are loved, that is the greatest feeling in the world.

And not to be left out, of course, is emotional intimacy.  Knowing that you can tell the other person pretty much anything, even your deepest and darkest secrets, well that is also amazing.  But I have that type of relationship with a friend who I am very close with, so I am certainly not lacking there.

Am I a weird guy for wanting that, or does that make me more normal?